It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
