Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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