He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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