Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
