Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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