you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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