alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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