:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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