After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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