I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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