Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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