she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
