i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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