Please, let me fuck your mom
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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