I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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