Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
