Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
