Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I stole a fireplace last night.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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