Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize