If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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