I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
