I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
