i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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