By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
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