i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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