A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
