I seem to have left my pride at pride
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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