Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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