She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
