Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
