Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
