And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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