Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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