On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
