I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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