Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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