Three words: puerto rican gang bang
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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