One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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