i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
