I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Sorry my hands just texted you
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
