shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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