Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Randomize
