I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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