I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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