New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
