I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
