Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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