is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Randomize
