I am spending my child support on dildos
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
