i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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