Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
