Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
