What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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