She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
