I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
