You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
