WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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