I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Walk of Shame today included voting.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
